here am i, lost and found
by Eternal White Rose
Summary: At last, the cycle has completed, the boy meets his angel, and all is right with the world.


**here am i, lost and found**

* * *

 _Ikari Shinji_

Let it be put on record that Shinji doesn't really like parties.

He's never liked parties, even as a child, so when Asuka Langley-Soryuu, classmate of the brunet and daughter of a work acquaintance of Shinji's father invited him to her twentieth to celebrate, he knew it would be a huge bash and he knew he wouldn't like it. But he wants to be a good friend, and so like every good friend ever, he goes to her party just to appease her. And like any wallflower ever, he nursed a cup of soda and stood around in the corner, not because he was nervous about what he should say around Asuka's friends, but because he doesn't know anyone apart from Asuka and Kaji and hates making terrible first impressions but that's all he's really good at when it comes to introducing himself.

He's always been an awkward child, never quite fitting in apart from Asuka and Toji and Kensuke, but even then the three of them could be having a conversation with Shinji present and the brunet won't even try to voice his opinion. He's always talked over, and that's how he likes to live his life. His opinions really shouldn't matter anyway.

And besides, he has a little more to his memory than most. It's proven tough to explain to someone that they were all around in 2015, when the Near Third Impact was a threat and when the world was nearly destroyed by Adam and his Aliens in a mission to reunite with Lilith.

And so far, the only people that also remember are Gendo (unfortunately, he acts the same way he did before, which means he doesn't give a flying shit about Shinji), Kaji and Misato, Ritsuko, Kensuke and even _Yui_ remembers a time before her death during the Second Impact. Asuka doesn't, so sometimes Shinji has to catch himself from accidentally saying something that he shouldn't know about her.

(When they met though, he told her that he preferred her hair in twintails, because that's how she used to wear them and that's what he's mostly used to. That following day, she came to school with the same hairstyle she had in 2015, and while she said that it wasn't because of Shinji, he knew better. She hasn't changed it since.)

He shifts from one foot to the other and takes another sip of his drink. He's glad it's not spiked with anything. There's also punch, which he would much rather drink, but he's heard nightmare stories about people spiking punch, _especially_ when they're too young to drink. He never really understood that trend and quite honestly doesn't plan on understanding it.

He's never really been one for trends.

For a brief moment, like during any event where there was someone around that he knew in his past life, he wonders what Kaworu is doing. They've met twice before this time, both scenarios ending in similar ways to Kaworu's first death in 2015. It seems like the universe doesn't want the two of them to be together, but Shinji is determined to make sure that the universe gets itself under control and allow them to finally meet each other after so many cycles and generations.

Asuka shoots him a glare from across the backyard, and Shinji meets her eye and raises his cup to his lips. He knows he's only been invited because it would look good with his father and Asuka's father and quite frankly it's obvious to everyone that he doesn't _really_ want to be there. But he doesn't have much a choice at this point so he'll tough it out in the corner on his own. Because of _course_ Asuka doesn't invite Kensuke or Toji; that would make Shinji's life a little too easy.

(And the peaceful God only knows that Asuka's sole mission in this lifetime is to make Shinji's life as far from easy as possible. Which, in all fairness, has been her mission every lifetime, so he's hardly surprised. Thanks, God.)

Shinji tips his cup back again only to realize he's somehow already finished his soda and it hasn't even been fifteen minutes of him standing there so now he has to risk socializing to fill his cup again.

Joy.

* * *

 _Nagisa Kaworu_

When Rei comes up to Kaworu (while he's working on university work, no less) and says that she'd been invited to Asuka's twentieth birthday party and wants Kaworu to come along, he simply looks at her confused before snorting. Classy.

He doesn't even _know_ Asuka in this cycle and he doesn't think that he'll be wanted if she remembers their past lives. In lifetimes they were together they never really got along.

(He still remembers the whole denim on denim argument they would often have because she refuses to believe that it's a _look_.)

At first he denies Rei's request. "It is not my place to go," he says. "You said that she doesn't remember anything. Coming around with a stranger isn't the smartest, and I don't want to come off as rude during a first meeting. I would much rather that animosity already be there."

Rei blinks twice, and sets her cell phone down on the dining table to show Kaworu the group text she received, tapping on the recipient list and scrolling down. Most of the people who got the message were unknown numbers to her phone, but Kaworu caught the one name that stuck out. The only other contact apart from Asuka.

 _Ikari._

He looks up at Rei with wide eyes. "He's going?"

"I doubt he would decline," she deadpans; typical Rei fashion. Even if she's not a lifeless doll harboring the soul of a deceased human, the soul that inhabits her now is pretty spot on. Always has been. Kaworu is pretty sure that she's always had memories-went through every reincarnation with them. "Their fathers work together. It would look good on both of their names if they kept a close friendship."

The albino hums, backing out of the list and scanning the text itself. The party was at Asuka's house, supposed to last until whenever the last person left, and had food that would most likely go on for days.

He bit his lip. Rei had been to Asuka's before for a school project or two. The redhead lived by the ocean, by the slowly decaying angel statues that poked their heads out of the water and reminded Kaworu of 2015. Shinji is a very good bribe to get him to attend her dumb party, but the statues are an even better bribe to make him stay home and practice his piano.

He opens his mouth. "I already texted Asuka and asked if I can bring a friend," Rei interjects, and Kaworu snaps his lips closed with a click of his teeth. "She said she does not care. The more the merrier."

"You have to stop being one step ahead of everyone else, Rei," the boy chastises, standing and stretching, feeling the bones in his back crack after sitting at his dining room table for a few hours working on some English paper he can't even remember the topic of at this point.

(Better an English paper than a final thesis in history.)

He slides Rei's back phone towards her and sighs. "I thought you didn't like parties."

There isn't even a moment of silence for him to ponder her reply before she says, "And I thought that you loved Ikari."

Kaworu just looks at her, clenching his fists on the tabletop. "You can't use Shinji against me. It's foul play."

A small smile curves onto Rei's lips when she realizes she's won Kaworu over, and she swipes her phone from the table and pockets it. "We will be a little late, but you should go get dressed and put all this away."

"Still haven't even agreed and you're already nagging me," he chuckles, and Rei reaches over to lightly punch him in the shoulder. "Alright, alright, give me fifteen." He picks up his laptop and all the papers that have covered the table in the time he's been working and passes the blue-haired girl to go to his room.

Once in the safety of his bedroom, he slides down against his door until he's crouched on the floor and tries to regulate his suddenly quickened breathing. He didn't know how this lifetime would go; if Shinji remembers it could develop into the same hopeless scenario as it did their last cycle together. Shinji could already be a broken soul inside of a decaying body because he feels hopeless without Kaworu around and the albino doesn't want to imagine Shinji like that ever again. One time with the brunet killing himself because of Kaworu was enough.

Now, he can't exactly speak for Shinji because although they are clearly bonded by fate (as is almost everyone else that was involved in some way with the Impacts) but Kaworu has definitely experienced some harder cycles when he remembered but he and Shinji were either not born near each other or even worse-Shinji might have not even been born at all that round and it left the albino to roam the earth alone.

He shakes his head and stands back to, tossing his laptop gently onto his bed and moving toward the closet. This isn't the time to think about the horrible possibilities. He has a chance to meet Shinji again after so many years and he is not about to let all his thoughts get the best of him.

* * *

 _Ikari Shinji_

This is his third cup of soda and he's already socially exhausted. Shinji hasn't even really spoken to anyone yet. Apart from Asuka, but Asuka only came by to ask if he was going to be a human being and not stick to the wall like some lame idiot.

Her words, not his, but they hold a lot more truth than he's willing to admit.

The sun is beginning to set when he decides to sneak out of the party and head down to the beach near Asuka's house. It's pretty easy to escape because Asuka is busy talking with her friends and isn't paying any attention to anything else. Shinji meets the eye of only one person, but they don't know him by name so they can't rat him out to the princess of the party.

He throws his plastic cup into the garbage and pushes the fence gate open to leave the party, surprised to find out just how much the tall white fence blocked out the music once he closes the gate back up. He can hear the ocean a little better, hear the seagulls that walk the sand. The wind rustles his short hair.

They all live on the seaside this lifetime, and Shinji has become used to the sound of the ocean while he sits in his room with his music paused, which in and of itself is a rarity because even hundreds of years after 2015 he is still disgustingly obsessed with classical music and his cello. He doesn't play cello as much as he did in the past but he appreciates its beautiful sound all the same. Yui and Gendo don't care that he just sits in his room and listens to music.

And Shinji won't admit to anyone that he listens to a lot of piano pieces now, especially because he remembers Kaworu in this cycle and remembers how good at piano the boy always said he was. Maybe in this lifetime they'll be able to duet like promised so long ago.

The setting sun paints the ocean water with a red tint as Shinji toes his shoes off near the shoreline, socks, phone and wallet closely following. The water is cold, as is expected during the quickly turning seasons, but even at the end of the summer it's pleasant. A shiver runs down the brunet's spine as the water laps against his ankles. There are decaying statues of biblical angels sticking out of the shallow water as a memorial to the Near Third Impact, and Shinji feels at peace near them. He feels as though he's closer to Kaworu like this, even if in reality they're probably miles apart in this lifetime.

Now if Asuka had decided to hold her party on the beach, he wouldn't be as much of a hermit like she thinks he is.

* * *

 _Nagisa Kaworu_

When Kaworu arrives at Rei's side to Asuka's backyard bash, he isn't surprised to see half of the assembled with red solo cups filled with what he could only imagine is alcohol. He isn't sure how many of these people are of age (Asuka is, he learns. Today is her twentieth birthday) but he deduces that he doesn't _want_ to stick around for too long because should something happen he doesn't want to be around for the repercussions.

He does, however, smirk in Asuka's direction when she glares at him. Rei mentioned some time before that she doesn't remember, and that's fine, so Kaworu knows that he's giving him a dirty look about his outfit choice, meaning her opinion on denim on denim has no changed through reincarnation cycles. _That,_ he's not entirely cool with, but opinions are opinions and who is he to shit on hers.

He sticks close to Rei (or, maybe it's the other way around. He can't tell because she's not emoting therefore he can't tell how she feels about this whole situation). Asuka is surprisingly friendly with Rei this lifetime, and wraps her arms around the petite woman in a bear hug. Rei makes a face this time; it's squished and he can see the faint flicker of anger. Kaworu hides a smile behind his palm. "Is Ikari here?" Rei asks when the redhead lets her go, fixing her shirt.

"You're so obsessed with him," Asuka says, fists coming to the jut of her hips and moving her weight to one side. "He should be around here somewhere. He's being a fucking wallflower, no surprise. I didn't want to invite him but my father insisted because it would be good for his work with Shinji's father."

Kaworu scans the party, but can't find spot the brunet from between all the red solo cups. He doubts Shinji is drinking anything alcoholic; it isn't in his nature. "And who is this?" Asuka asks and Kaworu returns his attention to her. "You mentioned you wanted to invite someone else. Brother? Cousin?"

"Family friend," Rei replies, patting Kaworu's back a little to hard, causing him to have to take a step to reestablish his balance. "We have known each other since we were children."

The redhead hums. She leaves them then, because someone has called for her from beside the food table. Rei turns to the albino, frowning. "I honestly would prefer the old Asuka to this one," she snarls, and Kaworu chuckles.

"So she's a little more friendly this time around. At least she dislikes me from the beginning." Kaworu shrugs. "Not my ideal way to meet someone going through this cycle, but I guess it'll have to do." He lowers his voice and bends to reach Rei's ear, as if everyone around them was listening on their conversation. "I don't see Shinji anywhere, by the way. Can you see him?"

Rei shakes her head. "Perhaps he left without Asuka noticing."

Kaworu huffs out a breath, disappointed. He's gone out of his way to find his soulmate but now he can't meet him and it's truly unfortunate. "If he's not here, then I'm going to go home."

"Kaworu-"

"I only said I'd come if Shinji was here. He's not. So I'm leaving." His hardened gaze softens a little when he notices how upset Rei looks; for once she's emoting. "I'll wait on the beach, how about that? Will that make you feel better?"

She nods, and Kaworu reaches up to squeeze her shoulder. He leaves through the same gate they entered, going down the path to the sandy seashore. There's already someone there, turned into a shadow because of the setting sun on the horizon, but they're ankle deep into the water with their arms spread out.

There's one of those angel statues a little bit away, and Kaworu glares at it. What a shitty reminder of what he used to be. He kicks his shoes off and is ready to step into the water. Maybe he'll make a friend out of this person.

He starts humming an old tune.

* * *

 _Ikari Shinji & Nagisa Kaworu_

Shinji doesn't hear the new person approach. Doesn't hear the heavy drop of a pair of shoes next to his, doesn't hear the quiet steps into the water behind him.

But through the crying of the gulls and the splashing of the waves, Shinji manages to hear the soft tune of _Ode to Joy_ , the song that has been his favorite for generations. He feels his heart stop and he's terrified to turn around, because if this isn't who he thinks he is then he's going to feel real stupid, so he shouldn't look over his shoulder, shouldn't bother with the obvious disappointment-

But he turns around anyway, and the humming stops and the newcomer just goes, "Ah," in surprise, red eyes wide in surprise. The sunset is painting his white hair into a beautiful soft pink. He steps forward and Shinji takes a cautious step back because he _doesn't_ fucking believe it, covers his mouth with his hand as tears come to his eyes. "I feel as though I have been born to meet you," Kaworu says, and Shinji can see how watery his eyes are.

"Yes," the brunet replies with a sniffle. "I feel the same way."

And that's their trump card, the both of them running into each other's arms and falling down into the water when their bodies can't figure out how to balance themselves in the rushing waves. They're both crying and can't figure out where the water begins and their tears end on their face.

After deciding that it's not worth it to freeze, they both step out of the water hand in hand, as close as they can be, and sit down near their shoes. Their interlocked fingers only leave each other to push hair back and wring water out of their soaked clothes, but then they find each other again very quickly. Eventually Shinji just shucks his shirt off and snuggles up to Kaworu, throwing his legs over the albino's lap. "I didn't think we'd ever meet during a lifetime and remember each other."

"It's like a dream," Kaworu replies, wrapping his arms around Shinji's waist. "And if it is, I'll beg God to never let me wake up."

The brunet leans up and brushes his lips against Kaworu's neck, smiling at the shiver he feels come from the other boy. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you, too, Shinji." The albino buries his face in Shinji's hair. "I missed you so much that I can't even express it in words."

Shinji sniffles, not wanting to cry anymore but feeling his tears make a comeback either way. Kaworu holds him tighter, letting out a shaky breath and pressing his mouth against Shinji's brown hair. He wants to kiss Shinji everywhere forever. So he continues to press kisses against the side of Shinji's face, bringing up a giggle from the brunet. Shinji laughs brightly and turns to _finally_ kiss Kaworu's mouth and Kaworu smiles into it. Kaworu leans back slightly and bites his tongue when Shinji follows. He presses forward again and pushes his lips to Shinji's over and over again, kissing the same spot again and again, laughing with the young man in his lap.

Kaworu has never felt more elated in his entire existence. Shinji suddenly leans away and takes the man's face in his hands. "Wait. You're not dying this time, are you?"

The albino smiles softly and places his hands over Shinji's. "No. You're not hurting yourself?"

"No." Shinji buries his face in Kaworu's chest and lets out a short laugh. "Thank God… nothing can split us up. God has finally granted us our peace after so _long."_

The brunet shivers and Kaworu chuckles. "Okay, now, we should probably put our clothes back on and go somewhere before we freeze our butts off."

"Where do you live?" Shinji asks as he grabs his discarded shirt and shakes the sand off of it. "I would suggest my house, but my father remembers, so… I'm not sure how good of an idea that would be."

The albino frowns and stands up, extending a hand to Shinji to help him up as well. It's obvious that Ikari Gendo wouldn't be a fan of him because of their past but he should also realize that the Kaworu today is not the Kaworu from 2015. "I live on the other side of town, by Rei's house."

"Oh, by the convenience store?" Shinji asks as their fingers interlock and they make their way off of the beach. "I've never visited her place myself, but she's mentioned it to me before. And Asuka blabs about it since they've worked together for school projects because she likes the stuff they sell there."

"Well, now I'll have to go with you and buy you something."

Shinji tries to pull his hand away but Kaworu won't let him, holding on tighter to his fingers and bringing them up to his mouth to kiss them. "You're not going to buy me anything."

"That's where you're wrong," Kaworu grins, moving close to plant one right on Shinji's smiling mouth. "I'll buy you the whole world, if you want me to."

* * *

 _author's note:_

 _at long last this series is finally over! i wrote a majority of this in two days during my classes bc why not lmao im failing physics  
ill honestly miss these two but heres to whatever next idea i have with them  
for this series being the beginning of my fanfic nge adventure, its not the worst lmao_


End file.
